walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
