The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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