Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
