I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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