stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
