So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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