I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
