Just fell off a train. Bad.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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