Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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