my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
