I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I think your dad took our porno
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
