you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
