I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
i now understand why vodka
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
