4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
