apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
