I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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