I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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