and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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