Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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