you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
