do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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