I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Your penis caused this!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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