Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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