I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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