Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
