I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
