I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I want a musical about memes.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
