just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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