I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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