Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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