She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
