I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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