he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
