Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
