On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
