i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
