you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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