Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
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