Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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