So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
