woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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