Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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