I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
