I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
