so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
