I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
