i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
