someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
