you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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