My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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