i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
