i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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