1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize