The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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