Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
