Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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