i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
P.S. I can't hear my feet
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize