Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
