What did we do last night that was yellow?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
